At my best I was a seven, I guess, but for a while I was going out with a model who was a compfortable nine. We were walking through town and bumped into a friend of hers I hadn’t met before. She said: “Oh, this is the new guy?” My girlfriend replied in the affirmative, and this other woman paused for a moment, looking me up and down, and then just asked in an incredulous tone of voice: “Why?”

[My girlfriend later explained that the other woman was bi and into her (unreciprocated), so that took the edge off it.]

Perfect except for ‘Thoughts?’ Instead of that it should be an appeal to the speaker’s boss: ‘Chris, do you have any builds?’

Any decent teacher will do 1 and 0 at the very beginning. It takes, like, 10 minutes and puts the tables into context.

My sister literally tried the first one in high school. She lay in wait, probably for hours, on the country road she knew the guy she fancied lived down. Once she saw him in the distance she dropped her bicycle so it lay across the road and hobbled around for a bit until he got there.

I can’t say it worked. He stopped, helped her get her bike up off the road, then went on his way.

Toad The Wet Sprocket, of course!

"Rex Stardust, lead electric triangle with Toad The Wet Sprocket, has had to have an elbow removed following their recent successful worldwide tour of Finland. Flamboyant, ambidextrous Rex apparently fell off the back of a motorcycle. “Fell off the back of a motorcyclist, most likely,” quipped ace drummer Jumbo McClooney on hearing of the accident. Plans are already afoot for a major tour of Iceland.

"Divorced after only eight minutes, popular television singing star Charisma changed her mind on the way out of the registry office, when she realised she’d married one of the Donkeys by mistake. The evening before, in LA’s glittering night spot The Abbatoir, she’d proposed to drummer Reg Abbott of Blind Drunk, after a whirlwind romance and a knee-trembler. But when the hangover lifted, it was Keith Sly of the Donkeys who was on her arm in the registry office. Keith, who was too ill to notice, remained unsteady during the short ceremony and, when asked to exchange vows, began to recite names and addresses of people who also used the stuff. Charisma spotted the error as Keith was being carried into the wedding ambulance, and became emotionally upset. However, the mistake was soon cleared up, and she stayed long enough to consummate their divorce.

“Dead Monkeys are to split up again, according to their manager Lefty Goldblatt. They’ve been in the business now ten years, nine as other groups. Originally the Dead Salmon, they became, for a while, Trout, then Fried Trout, then Poached Trout In A White Wine Sauce, and finally, Herring. Splitting up for nearly a month, they reformed as Red Herring, which became Dead Herring for a while, and then Dead Loss, which reflected the current state of the group. Splitting up again to get their heads together, they reformed a fortnight later as Heads Together, a tight little name which lasted them through a difficult period when their drummer was suspected of suffering from death. It turned out to be only a rumour, and they became Dead Together, then Dead Gear, which led to Dead Donkeys, Lead Donkeys, and the inevitable splitup. After nearly ten days, they reformed again as Sole Meunière, then Dead Sole, Rock Cod, Turbot, Haddock, White Bait, the Plaices, Fish, Bream, Mackerel, Salmon, Poached Salmon, Poached Salmon in a White Wine Sauce, Salmon Meunière, and Helen Shapiro. This last name, their favourite, had to be dropped following an injunction, and they split up again. When they reformed after a record-breaking two days, they ditched the fishy references and became Dead Monkeys, a name which they stuck with for the rest of their careers. Now, a fortnight later, they’ve finally split up.”

- Monty Python

Glad some good came of it, even it’s over 20 years later!

The 0 times table would like a word.

TPS report cover sheet.

So no one knows I’m here? I’d head upstairs to a bedroom and sleep for 24 hours without the kids bothering me.

First time I saw it, it was Picard telling the joke and Ryker rolling his eyes.

A free trial automatically rolling into a paid subscription.

Hmm. Turns out I’m bi.

Robot’s all, like, “Come at me bro, fuckin’ come at me!”

Never seen a robot more in need of some weed.

You should have a word with yourself!

I can imagine.

“Hey, Lembot_0002, I got you something!”
“What, for me? Thanks, Lembot_0002!”
“Oh, this is amazing, Lembot_0002, I’ve always wanted one!”
“You’re welcome, Lembot_0002.”
“Love you!”
“Love you, too!”

I’d do the same.

It’s shits and giggles all the way down, my friend!

A spork, man, a spork.

I grew up in the Borders, so lowlander! Now living in England and occassionally ordering meat pies and tattie scones through the post!

I had my last kid when I was 48. It’s great! My knees and back are slowly seizing up and he can pick things up off the floor for me while I get things down from high shelves for him.

TL;DR: Pretty much everyone involved in the war was left with a country made of rubble and ashes in varying degrees…

… and massive, massive financial debt to the US. America’s assistance during the war wasn’t free, it came with repayment terms which (in the UK’s case at least) crippled economies to America’s benefit.